One of the problem with my manic downturns is that I try desperately to convince everyone, including myself, that I'm not just dealing with a manic downturn. I use my rhetorical power to make everything bigger and real-er than it may actually be. Or not. I do think that regardless of the positive changes the world has made in the last fifty years, we are still doomed to global catastrophe--and when I say global, I guess I mean American because most of the globe is already in catastrophe--whether it's gas or food shortage, or a violent shift in the power centers, or what I think is the inevitable (is anyone going to disarm? does the world seem like the kind of place where people just toss weapons aside?) doom of nuclear technology. Right? The only people who tell you that things get better are economists. I guess I have faith that humanity will survive, but the excessive consumption, spiritual emptiness, lack of engagement, lack of responsibility, and downright meanness I see everywhere and every day cannot continue endlessly. I think it'll take a Chinese army of hundreds of millions to take Bubba's truck from him, or insist that Trevor eat the same cheese as everyone else. And there are kindnesses in the world. There are people who mean really well and dedicate their lives to helping selflessly in the cause of love and respect for experience. And there's natural beauty and art and music and literature. But none of those things control The Button. The Button is in the hands of chauvinistic religious fanatics who've tricked their constituency into medicating themselves into submission...
I am feeling better today. I just need to remember that what's wrong with me is always just a combination of factors that become overwhelming. What do I want? Some divine hand to pat me on the back for being a good person? To be one of the first rats off this sinking ship? I've been thinking that what I'm going through now is delayed heartbreak over the Peace Corps. I was so close to having an opportunity to get into the fight in the developing world, and I screwed it up. Twice. And it hurts. And I know you'll say that I'll still be helping in NM, and Mexico is developing, etc, but it's just not the same and I think I have to mourn for a while.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Good stuff. As you are probably already aware, I am fascinated by the human condition and our populace's general inability and unwillingness to change things, a pandemic (hopefully not an epidemic) of which I myself am part. And, apparently, awareness changes nothing directly, though I hope it can provide the seeds of change. So burn on, ye tyger, in thy fearful symmetry. Us other denizens of the forest will listen. Lastly, the white on black layout hurts my eyes with its burning brightness.
thwark
know about pain and the world of fear.
As I got drunk with my 80 something year old Grandma, sippin on some absolute know doubt. I too complaind about the world ending and fears of life, she laughed and said "every decade brings its own Bullshit", she goes on to remind me of world wars, cold wars, bomb shelters ,droughts, recession, and the simple "the world is Fucked Up".
Try to enjoye life for it is way to short yet, I have not accomplished that goal, maybe when I'm sippin on some Vodka talking about life with my grandkids.
I had this thought this morning, too: what's wrong with manics? For people like us--that is, smart folk--I'd much rather we're getting drunk and saying something inappropriate (but essential to our condition) rather than saying nothing. All of this occurred to me because I was thinking about a timid person I know. That shit annoys me...if you got something in you, let it out! Nothing worse than a smart person fearful of the world. Get it out how you can.
I agree with Steve. Better to say it than hold back. I am a big fan of direct speech and true feelings. And alcohol.
Post a Comment